One year ago today.

We had our first prenatal appointment. I was nine weeks pregnant, and overjoyed. We had an ultrasound and saw our sweet baby, but there was no heartbeat. We were told the pregnancy was no longer viable, and we were broken.

Today I am thirty-eight weeks and four days pregnant. I feel the miracle baby growing inside of me all of the time. I am so thankful for each day of pregnancy, so much that I really can’t put it into words.

The passed year did not go as we thought it would. We did not bring home a baby at the beginning of June. It was the hardest and best year of my life. I feel closer to my husband now than I ever have.

Losing a baby is not something I could ever get over, and I don’t plan to. God continues to heal my heart every day, and I praise Him in every situation. No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how broken I am. He is faithful.

Our first child never had to feel heartbreak, pain, or deal with any troubles of this world. He or she is with Jesus for eternity. Sometimes I picture our child sitting on His lap, and peace rushes through me.

When something like this happens, my focus shifts to the eternal. That is where my focus should always be. I look forward to meeting our first baby, that day will be marvelous in so many ways.  

Although I will never understand why miscarriage happens, I do know that losing our baby opened my eyes to so many hurting people going through the same thing. Some people are going through things that are much harder.

No matter what you are going through, I would love to pray for you, or cry with you, or just sit with you in silence. I know everyone deals with things in their own way. I don’t ever want to act like I know what you are going through because every situation is different, but do know that I want to be here for you, whoever you are.

In reading other stories of loss, I was encouraged to share mine. I’m so thankful for the writers of those stories, and their hearts.

In the weeks following our appointment, I felt like God was literally carrying me around everywhere that I went. In reality, He always is. He is our source of life. I learned that He really is everything.

At the beginning of March of this year, I took another pregnancy test. It was positive. My husband and I were beaming with joy. We couldn’t believe that God was creating another life inside of me. He renews. He restores. He is faithful.

The first weeks of this pregnancy were hard. I took one day at a time. My prayer was to live in peace, trusting God. I’m not saying I was always at peace, because I was not. It was really hard to not worry every day if I was going to lose this baby, and some days I did just that.

This verse, Psalm 112:7, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord,” was one that I held on to, and I still do.

I want you to know that I believe God is good in every situation, no matter what happens. I am constantly learning what it means to praise Him at all times.

The Sunday before I took the positive pregnancy test, we had a guest speaker at our church that preached from Daniel about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

A main point in his sermon was, But Even If He Does Not, taken from Daniel 3:17-18, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18"But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

We had another “first prenatal appointment” at the beginning of April. Our prayer going into the appointment was that we would see a moving baby, and hear a strong heartbeat, but even if we don’t, we will praise you Lord.

We saw our baby, and heard the heartbeat. We praise you Lord.

I go to doctor appointments every week now. They put the Doppler on my stomach, and we hear our son’s heartbeat, and we are still in awe of our King who is forming this child inside of me. Whoa, I so cherish every heartbeat.

As I live my life, I will go through times when I see prayers answered the way I wanted them to be, and there will be times that they are answered in a different way. That way may be really hard, but I pray that God will give me the strength to praise Him through everything.

So much has happened in one year. One baby in heaven, and one baby due in ten days. I am humbled by His grace.